Reading With Anxiety and Depression

This is something I struggle with, anxiety and depression. 

Reading helps me cope with them. It lets me focus on something else and get out of my head. Lets me avoid my self and the problems around me, lets me avoid reality.

But just because it’s a way for me to cope with my anxiety and depression doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. I actually struggle a lot. I love reading but sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation to pick up a book or read long enough to where I’m focused on the story and not the thoughts in my brain and feelings I’m having.

Sometimes it’s because I’m extremely restless from my anxiety and other times it’s because I’m in such an unmotivated place because of my depression. It’s hard to start and concentrate to get to the point where reading is therapeutic to me in those times.

One of the things that sucks as well is that it’s hard to read books with anxiety and depression in them. If a book doesn’t delve too much into a person’s anxiety and my anxiety isn’t bad, I can easily read it with barely any repercussions. If the whole book is about the main character dealing with anxiety I can’t read it because it’s like facing my anxiety head on and amplifying it by 5.

But depression in books? I cannot read. If I read a book where the main character has depression I tend to start to spiral and it’s horrible because I haven’t quit figured out how to stop when that happens.

I still read books where characters have anxiety and/or depression despite this. Those books just take me a very long time to finish because I can only read little bits one week at a time.

And honestly I need those books. I need them because they validate what I’m feeling and what I go through constantly. Sometimes I have the thought that oh, maybe I’m just being over dramatic and I’m just anxious and maybe a bit sad. And than I see how other people talk about their depression and anxiety and what they go through and I read about the stories people write from their experiences and I’m validated that I’m not blowing things out of proportion and that this is real.

I still need them. I still need to read despite the struggle. It’s just a bit harder for me sometimes and I struggle to not send myself into a reading slump.

Top 5 Books I Read In 2018

This year I read a total of 25 books, which is great considering I've read maybe a handful of books total in the 3 years before 2018. Several of them I read for school and because they were educational books my step mom and dad bribed me to read. So because of that I will be making a list of my top 5 books I've read this year.

And yes, they're all queer reads. Surprise, surprise.

These are in order read, not based on favorites because I don't think I'd be able to decide which was better than the others.

Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

This book means a lot to me.

Even talking about it, I know I still wont be able to convey how important this book was to me during this part of my life. I just love it so much because when I was having trouble with my sexuality, it was the first book with a queer main character I read and it was the voice I needed to hear and the story I need to read at that exact moment.

The voice and story that showed me it would be ok and that what I was going through wasn't just a 'me thing'. That other people deal with the same things.

Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee

This one is one of my favorites because it's queer, set back in time where women wore petticoats (which we should totally make a thing again.) , they're on a trip, it's a mess, the main character has had a tough life and a rough relationship with his parents, pirates, and the trio own my whole heart and I would die for each of them.

I didn't think I was going to like this book but I ended up loving it. It's now one of my top favorite books and I can't wait to reread it once I finish my never ending tbr :')

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan

 A kickass f/f story about a girl trying to escape a demon king while also finding love? Check.

This story was hard to read at times but it was needed. You don't see stories that talk/deal with sexual assault like this one does and handles it so well.

Plus Natasha did such an amazing job crafting these characters, especially the character development. And she was fantastic at creating the world they live in and describing it so vividly without it feeling like she's feeding you too much information.

Heartstopper (the web comic) by Alice Oseman

 I discovered this little gay web comic over on Tapas and let me just say, I WISH I HAD FOUND IT SOONER. It's the most fluffiest cute shiz I have seen in a while with gay and bi main characters and I am all for it.

It's still on going and gets updated (I believe) every ten days.

The queer graphic novel I need in my life and I wish it would never end.

plus Alice Oseman's art is absolutely amazing and stunning. I love her style.

The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali by Sabina Khan

 Can I just say that this book broke my heart and ripped it to shreds and then mended it? Because it did.

I'm surprised at how quickly I finished it because it was definitely a tough read. This story with a lesbian main character trying to fight for her future and what she wants while also not wanting to hurt her family and wanting them to understand. It is like a punch to the gut. It put my soul through the wringer, but it was worth. It made me feel things I've never felt and I absolutely loved how raw and heavy the whole book is.


What were your top 5 reads of 2018?

The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali Review

Title: The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali
Author: Sabina Khan
Release Date: January 29, 2019
Age Range: 14 to 18
Genre: Fiction

Stars: 5/5

Synopsis:

Seventeen-year-old Rukhsana Ali tries her hardest to live up to her conservative Muslim parents’ expectations, but lately she’s finding that harder and harder to do. She rolls her eyes instead of screaming when they blatantly favor her brother and she dresses conservatively at home, saving her crop tops and makeup for parties her parents don’t know about. Luckily, only a few more months stand between her carefully monitored life in Seattle and her new life at Caltech, where she can pursue her dream of becoming an engineer.

But when her parents catch her kissing her girlfriend Ariana, all of Rukhsana’s plans fall apart. Her parents are devastated; being gay may as well be a death sentence in the Bengali community. They immediately whisk Rukhsana off to Bangladesh, where she is thrown headfirst into a world of arranged marriages and tradition. Only through reading her grandmother’s old diary is Rukhsana able to gain some much needed perspective.

Rukhsana realizes she must find the courage to fight for her love, but can she do so without losing everyone and everything in her life?

Review:

This book tore out my heart, stomped on it until it was flat, took it to a repair shop and had it fixed. It ruined me. I cried (lets be real, silently sobbed)  reading this book. I haven’t cried reading a book in a while. It touched me and it showed me a new experiance that some people have to go through, not only as a queer person, but also as a person of color. 

There are TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNINGS for homophobia, violence, death, and rape.

I haven't had a book that made me feel this strongly in ages. I'm almost at a loss for words. But in like a good way. It's a good thing, definitely a good thing. It means the book did it's job.

Anyone wanting to read this, I will say that this book is super heavy and I'm still amazed that I was able to read it and read it quickly.

Sabina wrote this story so well and it's left me speechless. I didn't want to pick up any other book after this one because I was afraid they wouldn't live up to The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali. I was afraid to move on from this book because it means so much and it has so much emotion in it that you can't just move on. There's no moving on and forgetting this story. It will stick with you for a while.

 And the way it was written, I say, helped set the tone and helped convey the emotion to you in a way that you felt it.

Sabina Khan did a wonderful job on this story and it's one to be proud of. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did and can't wait to see whatever one thinks once it's out.

Pre-order: Link
Goodreads: Link

Field Notes On Love Review

Title: Field Notes On Love
Author: Jeniffer E. Smith
Release Date: March 5, 2019
Age Range: 12 and up
Genre: Contemporary

Stars: 4/5

Synopsis:

Having just been dumped by his girlfriend, British-born Hugo is still determined to take his last-hurrah-before-college train trip across the United States. One snag: the companion ticket is already booked under the name of his ex, Margaret Campbell. Nontransferable, no exceptions.

Enter the new Margaret C. (Mae for short), an aspiring filmmaker with big dreams. After finding Hugo's spare ticket offer online, she's convinced it's the perfect opportunity to expand her horizons.

When the two meet, the attraction is undeniable, and both find more than they bargained for. As Mae pushes Hugo to explore his dreams for his future, he'll encourage her to channel a new, vulnerable side of her art. But when life off the train threatens the bubble they've created for themselves, will they manage to keep their love on track?  

Review:

This book was just what I needed to get out of my reading slump.

It’s a short and fluffy book that still manages to deal with hard topics that teens face as they head into the next step of their lives, college and/or the great unknown.

Field Notes On Love is pretty accurate in describing how I felt with school coming to an end. Do I go to college right away? Or do I take a gap year and discover myself and explore before deciding what I want to do? But Field Notes On Love confronts more than just the big what do I do now questions, it also confronts the realities of being a teen in a large household, (spoiler) the loss of a loved one (end of spoiler) and young love. She hits it all in just a few hundred pages and a one week long trip on a train.

But Jennifer E. Smith does such a wonderful job at portraying the struggles these young adults are going through that you understand and you feel the struggle and the confusion and for some it’s relatable. This book is soft and innocent yet so true to what many teens struggle with.  I wish I had this book when I felt lost on what I should do after high school.

I'm not a fan of insta love because how do you really know a person in such a short time? But Jennifer did an amazing job at writing their relationship and the feelings they're going through. With their skepticism and the two of them helping each other over come the hurdles holding them back, I actually loved it.

It’s sweet and simple but yet impactful to it’s audience.

2019 Goals Time

The new year is upon us and that means everyone is making goals and resolutions to aim for and stick with this time of month (or for those who don't procrastinate like me, last month). Instead of choosing one goal, I have a few for different things. Some are to better myself while others are to help me relax and stick with my commitments.

Blog Goals!

Reach 200 blog followers - This next year I want to grow my blog some more and hopefully reach my goal of 200 followers. It seems high but the book blogging community is full of some pretty awesome people, so I have faith that it can be done. *Laughs nervously* Please help. I don't know why I do this to myself.

Reach 5,000 views - I've been going back and forth with this one for the last few days. My number goal of views has changed several times because I can't decide if the goal is too ambitious or if my goal is too small. So I've decided to stick with an even number between 1 and 10 (or 1,000 and 10,000) I think it can be done and I don't think it's too small.

Make new blogging friends - This one is extremely hard for me but also extremely important. I'm always super awkward and panic when people reply to my stuff or ask me things and I never know what to say, but I love it when these things happen because I feel like I'm not an outsider to the community. My goal is to put myself out there more and comment on other people's post and make some friends. Because friends in a community are important.

Now if only I could tell myself that when it comes to making friends in person :,)

Reading and Writing Goals!

 

Read 50 books - Last year I went over my Goodreads goal of 24 books and went on to read 25.

*Gasp* one whole book.

So this year I'm planning on doubling what I read last year. My goal is to read 50 total books, which is doable if I set my mind to it . . . and read more comics, graphic novels, mangas, and audio books. hahaha I can totally do this, there totally is no doubt in my voice right now. It is in the bag *finger guns to convince you that I do, in fact, have this in the bag*.

*Stares at the 30+ un read books on my shelf and slowly backs away*

Get at least 3/4th of the way done with my book - For those who haven't read the little intro below my blog title, I am a writer. I have nothing published but I do have approximately 20 wip's and counting.

*Distant sobbing*

But there is one book (Series? Trilogy? We'll see once I plan the third book) that I've been working on for the past year and have finally figured out the plot and finished plotting it out. I was 40k words deep when I cut the first half and fell back to about 17k words. I got it back up to a little less than 25,787 words during NaNo a few months back . . . plus a few hundred words since than to make it that number.

But this year I plan to write more since I got this first book planned out. I just need to write it and I plan to get it almost finished, if not all the way done, by the end of the year. *Determined nod* I don't know how, but I will.

Make more writing friends/make an effort to keep talking to the ones I have - Listen, everyone knows I suck at staying in contact. I'm just afraid that I'm being a pest to people or that I'm talking too much (I hear that I talk a lot from my family and yeah, it's taken a toll on my confidence in that department.) So I tend to fall out with a lot of the people I talk to on Twitter because I don't put in the effort. I'm going to work on that this year because I like my writer friends I've met and I want to make more. The whole community is so supportive and I love being apart of it but I have to shovel my weight and give back what I get and I've gotten a lot from everyone.

Personal Goals!

 

Find a job - I'll be graduating high school at the end of March. I was held back in the first grade and then fell behind in high school, so it was looking like I wasn't going to graduate until two years after my original graduation date, but then I went to this community school that I could get a lot more credits during a shorter work week and I'm graduating a few months earlier then my new grad year (2019 instead of 2018 like I was supposed to before I was held back.) 

Because of all that my focus has been more in line with making sure I have what I need to graduate instead of juggling school with other things. I'm thankful I had the luxury to do so but after the third month of the year, I've got to get ready to dive into my first job. It's a bit intimidating but I'm ready to move on from high school and actually get my life started. I've got big plans.

Being more positive - This one is very personal to me. I'm known in my family for being very pessimistic and looking at the worst things that could happen or focusing on the bad instead of focusing on how else I can accomplish the thing I was trying to do and failed at. So this next year I want to be more positive. I want to look at what I can do to fix a problem instead of things 'great I failed, now time to scrap it.'

Eating healthier - Yeah, yeah. I know this and the next one are some pretty stereotypical goals but I really do need to eat healthier. I've gotten sick a lot this past year and I've felt pretty sluggish and I know that partially has to do with me treating my body like crap. I need to eat some more fruits and veggies this next year. It's not like I don't like them, so there's really no reason for why I'm not eating healthier anyways.

Exercise more - This goes with the one above. *Shudders* I need to exercise more. I haven't exercised much in the past 2 years since I quit cheerleading (Also had a year break from when I did Junior high cheer) and I can really feel it on my body.

I love exercising because it makes me feel good and (as much as I hate admitting it and giving my mom, dad and step mom the opportunity to say I told you so) it helps with my anxiety and depression when I do it regularly. So hey, I should make an effort if it shows benefits.

What are your goals for 2019?